Downhere - Surrender

What would YOU add in your guacamole?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

OK I've neglected you once again

To all of you imaginaries who I pretend are reading my blog: I'm sorry.  I forget easily.  Things have come a long way since the last time I wrote.  GOOD things!  Since January, I found a wonderful apartment, still have my job and my sister and her girlfriend have an apartment.  

The horridness that had to come from it is that I had to give up my puppy, Moo.  Losing Moo was like tearing off a piece of my soul and Im not even exaggerating.  During the winter, the days when I felt like I had no hope, Moo was my light in the dark.  His sweet face was the reason I would rush home, his love was the reason I would get up every time I heard him cry for me, and the reward I would get from him was incredible:  Unchanging love.  He loved me, he was always happy to see me, he always wanted to be in my arms giving me sweet puppy kisses.  I dont think I would have come out of the dark of winter as cleanly as I did if I had not had Moo in my life.  I will always remember his sweet little face peering at me with his droopy eyes and his little lip tucked into his upper tooth on the right side.  

Ill never forget the first time I realized he loved me.  I was coming home from work and as I climbed the steps to my apartment I heard my sister saying ''Who is that Moo?  Is that your ma?"  And as I rounded the corner of the steps he went crazy!  My sister said that he'd started barking about 5 minutes before I'd actually arrived home.  My mom's dog does that and I knew it meant true love.  This little bundle of soft chub with cow spots and a white freckle on his nose knew me and I was his mama.  When he was just a baby potato he would always stop crying when I was holding him but I was never sure if it was because it was ME or just a warm body.  But this was solid, he could see me (barely) and he knew.  I remember the first time he fell off the bed (I know that is so mean but his was cute beyond all belief)  I was half asleep all night worrying hed fall off the bed and I must have drifted off because sure enough I woke up to a loud squawk and then crying from the floor.  And when I picked him up to cuddle him he just snuffled and snuggled his way into the curve of me into he was warm and cozy and slowly he stopped his crying.  Many anight I  would lie awake just feeling his little tummy trying to burn the scene into my brain so I would never forget.  He is always on my mind, throughout the day I always am thinking of him and wondering what he looks like now.  

I'm going to change the subject because this is seriously tearing down my emotional control.   
Well.  I had a blog full of happiness to post but now I'm just down in the dumps.  I guess I'll update later.  I swear

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

My eyes burn when I blink

So here's the update:

Life sucks.

I simply cannot win.  The person I asked for help in co-signing this apartment said she would sign with me but then I recieved a phone call from my sister saying that her and her girlfriend were denied the apartment they wanted because she (my sister) had been evicted from an apartment in the past.  So now we're back where we started pretty much only it's worse because I FOUND an apartment and could get it but I'm being held back.  It's like a no win situation.  I have nothing else to say really.  I'm just so stressed....

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Why put off the inevitable

And by inevitable I mean this blog. I know I should be updating it but I can't really decide what I want to write. Several things have happened since my last joyful blog. I guess I'll just start at the very beginning...a very good place to start.
The apartment that I was so excited about. Apparently I need a co-signer for this apartment. The most obvious answer would be a parent right? WRONG-O. My parents don't like to get involved in me and my sister's ''financial issues''. I even went so far as to ask my mom, knowing what she was going to say. And even though I knew what she was going to say, it was still a blow when I actually heard it.
The reason it's so frustrating is because she KNOWS that my sister and I are way over our heads in terms of the apartment that we live in right now. And so by me moving out and my sister moving out we are on our way to finding our footing again. However, if I am not able to move out [which is what will happen if I don't get this apartment] we will continue to dig ourselves deeper and deeper, which will only make the problem that much worse. I know that I should just stop asking my parents for help and hoping for the best because it never happens but I am just so confused that my mom wouldn't help me when she knows it's going to be a step in the right direction.
I was so reLIEVED when I found this apartment. I thought thank GOD, I'm finally going to be back in control of my life! But it's like everything is working against me and having this happen for me. For us, my sister too! I have asked two people I know to perhaps sign with me and they're both thinking about it. I'm trying to not hope too hard because I think my heart might break. Can you blame them if they say no? Of course not. I am desperate in my hope though (grr right?) because without it I am hopeLESS and giving up hope that my life will improve. I'm so freaking sick of working two to three jobs just to be able to pay rent, I'm ready to be able to buy my own frickin groceries instead of just mooching off my friends food, pay my bills, and still have money to take the bus every once in awhile. I wish that I could be like everyone else who has life so easy that their parents will step up a little at least and help them, not to mention those whose parents do it all.
I hate that I'm jealous. I hate it, I hate that I can't control the fact that I want what everyone else has. Mostly I am just jealous of the priveleges that others are able to have because they have support in their lives. Studies abroad? yeah right, I wish! Living for free with their parents? Not ever going to happen. Mom and dad's credit card? HAHAHAH. It makes me want to cry because I should be grateful for anything that I have and yet I can't help but just want more! And this is creating a block in my walk with God.
Over a year ago at this time I was so happy with anything. I could barely pay my bills, but I was surviving and I was happy with that. I didn't need extra money for shopping or trips to here or there. And I didn't care because God was providing me with what I need. I just keep listening to this song by downhere called Surrender and the lyrics used to affect me so strongly and they still do however I find that Icannot believe them as blindly as I did before.

"I'm in a constant freefall when I'm following you. Can't see the next steps footing but I know that you do. And life is all just a bunch of work nothing more than a climbing fall till I surrender. Surrender all these things to you, all my life to you, to you. I was a meteor burning with a need for your rescue. And it's the safest kind of falling, now that I'm falling into you. And it's true, I still don't have control cuz you've got it all along. So I surrender. All these things to you, all my life to you, all my dreams to you. I keep falling in surrender. "

These words used to bring tears of joy to me knowing that I was surrender all that I didn't need, I was trusting God with the dreams that I have for the future, that He was going to take care of it for me and now... now it brings tears of failure. Failure that I can't surrender to the God that I know can take care of me and my faults, all my flaws. And I miss that. I want to feel the God that I used to know. And (because I don't actually read the Bible) I found this:

Psalm 40:1-3, "I waited patiently for the Lord; And he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and the mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."

I'm waiting for this. Waiting. However, the hope is slowly fading, and I don't want it to. I know that I need the hope to survive this battle.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

So. Today is Thursday, January 22. It's 10:14pm and today is the day a year ago that Heath Ledger died at 3:30 pm. It is a day that, for me, forgive me if I'm being melodramatic, I will never forget. I will never forget what I was doing or how I found out. I had just gotten back from Wal-Mart with my friend Sequoia and I'd just been offered a 40K job in chicago as a nanny! Sequoia was sitting on the couch checking the news on her iphone and she goes ''what the hell, Heath Ledger was just found dead in his apartment!". It was 3:33 pm.
Heath Ledger was my favorite actor on the planet. Literally. Since early 6th grade I have loved him and I know everything about him. To the point where my friend Lisa called me that day to tell me that her mother had called her and told her to call me because she was worried. I sobbed my eyes out the next time I watched A Knight's Tale and I refuse to see the Dark Knight for reasons of my own. Let's end this little tirade by saying that Heath Ledger was one of the most talented actors this world has seen. And that he is hopefully existing somewhere that is peaceful and full of the things he loves.
On another note: I found a new apartment today!!! My sister and I have been apartment hunting because we totally can't afford the apartment that we're living in. And today we finally each found apartments that we both like and can both afford. My rent is great and cheap and all the utilities are included. YAY!!!
My sister and I boxed today and it was super fun! I mean, we're both covered in bruises and sore and I got my chin punched pretty hard but it was so much fun!!
Ok...I've forgotten what I originally was going to blog about darn it but I'm REALLY into the Hulk so I'll get back to this later. The important stuff is written about. =) Have a great day!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

After a long hiatus, MariaDorseyCabas is back into it: Colonoscopies and Inaugurations galore

So I blatantly forgot that this blog existed. I went and made myself a whole new blog and then discovered that this one already existed. A real quick update: I am no longer a nanny. It was too stressful and we both had different ideas on what the nanny is supposed to do.

So, I spent my summer in Chicago living with Dianna trying to find a job and hoping I could survive in Chicago. Unfortunately that fell through very quickly, NOwhere would hire me. So I eventually moved back to Urbana and got an apartment with my sister.

It's now January and we are in debt over our ears.

But for this new happy post lets talk about other things shall we?


Isn't that exciting? President Barack Obama was sworn in this morning and guess what? I MISSED IT! My dad had a colonoscopy done today and I went with him to the hospital at 5 am this morning. We came home from the hospital (which I'll tell you about in just a minute) and promptly fell asleep. Now let me tell you the story of my father in the hospital:

This morning at 5 am my dad and I are walking to the hospital and he's telling me the plan of how we're going to get home without spending any money. The protocol for any patients going under is that they have to have someone driving them home but I can't drive my dad's car because it's a stick shift. So the plan is for me to wheel him to the south door and then we are going to WALK home after he's been under. I'm telling him this is not going to fly with the nurses at the hospital but he is totally convinced.

So my dad gets wheeled off to surgery prep and Im reading my book. After about 40 minutes I smell the coffee that the nurse made and I walk out there to get a cup. I get myself a nice steamy cup and head back to our room only to discover that my cup has a miniscule hole in the bottom of it and it's leaking all over. So, I head back over to the coffee pot to steal yet another cup (all this under the eagle eye of the head nurse like I'm going to run off with the coffee maker). I drink my coffee and instead of helping me stay awake it helps me pass completely out. I wake up who knows how much longer later to my dads surgeon poking me hesitantly on the knee saying ''Hi? Hello? Excuse me hello? Hi?" I wake up and he proceeds to give me the results of the exam and then leaves. A few minutes later my father is wheeled in and he starts to wake up. He SOUNDS relatively normal to me and starts chatting about how that took less time than he thought it would. Then as soon as the nurse leaves he turns to me and starts talking about how he thinks his surgeon has aged. I've never met his surgeon other than today so I just smiled and nod.

He passes out and then wakes up 2 minutes later and bursts into ''THE LORD IS MY LIGHT AND MY SALVATIIIIIIOOON'' at the top of his lungs and then goes on to tell me that that's the last thing he remembers before he falls asleep. I smiled at him and commented at how that's a good thing to sing before falling asleep. He asks me if the doctor had come in yet and I told him that he had and said that he was fine for another 5 years. My dad falls asleep again, wakes up and starts singing a DIFFERENT song and then says ''that's the last thing I remember saying before falling asleep''. I smiled again and nodded. He asks me again if the doctor had been in yet to which I told him again that he had. Then he goes ''I think the surgeon has aged quite a bit'' I agreed with him and got a incredulous in response ''Have you MET the doctor before??" I then told him no I had not but that he had told me this five minutes before. To save quite a bit of boredom I'll just say that this went of for quite awhile.

Then the post-op nurse comes in and asks me if I am planning to drive the car around to the front to which I shoot a look at my dad and say uhh well..... My dad bursts in with his slurred explanation of the car whilst trying to not give away the fact that we're walking home but without lying directly to the nurse. Eventually she realizes that we're planning on walking and says uhhhh ok let me check with the other nurses and see if I can do that. So my dad goes to bumblingly put his clothes on and it's just funny to watch.

The post-op nurse (her name is Marilyn for future references) comes back to inform us that we are NOT allowed to walk home, that she'll check with the security of the hospital to see if they can drive us home but that otherwise they'll have to call a taxi for us. She walks out and my dad begins to fumble for his cell phone in his pocket and starts dialing with obvious trouble. He puts the phone up to his ear and asks for greg and then starts muttering about something and snaps the phone shut in the middle of whatever he's saying. I take the phone away from him and dial his next door neighbors number and he screams ''WHO ARE YOU CALLING???" I said I'm calling Greg dad. (this was who he was trying to call by the way) he goes ''WHY ARE YOU CALLING GREG!?!??" And I go because he's giving us a ride home dad. "WHAT??! BUT WE'RE WALKING HOME!" no dad, we're not walking home they won't let us. "oh."

So his neighbor picks us up, we go home and my dad makes himself an egg and goes to bed. I go into the kitchen to clean up and there's egg yolk all over the place.

It was an amusing morning.

The end.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

And it's all downhill from there

Well things are going from bad to worse already -- so much for my record of a week straight with no problems. Jackie and Ellen were throwing their new pink tennis balls around the front hall and ended up hitting one of the chandeliers. So Jackie runs into the kitchen and starts begging me to fix it before her dad comes out (from getting ready for their dinner party). So I up on a ladder trying to fix the dumb thing and Jackie's got the door closed and as I'm opening the door to the back hall out comes Jim. He eyes me, then Jackie, then the chandelier. ''What are you doing?" ''Oh just fixing the light, it came unhinged'' ''How?" well crap, how am I supposed to get out of this one without lying? I know that Jackie didn't want me to tell but I was NOT going to cover for her again so I said, the girls were playing. He gets up on the ladder and starts yelling ab out how it's still not right (even though it was); ThEN the lightbulb is out because it got hit and so I went to get another one and wouldn't you know we're out of lightbulbs? So I went back and told him I'd call maintence to which he starts screaming at me about how we're abusing the maintenence men and ''WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU BUY ENOUGH LIGHTBULBS WHEN YOU WENT TO COSTO??" I explained that since they were only 60 watt and Erica had wanted 75 watt she told me to only buy 10, I had and now we were out of them. He was NOT happy and THEN it turned out the chandelier was cracked and now has to be replaced to which Jackie goes ''oh it wasn't like that when I hit the ball." (so of course that mean's I broke it even though it WAS her who did it but I can't just say that she's lying.)

Jim got down told me to put the ladder away and then stormed out of the house. And now it's 12 am and they just got home and I'm hiding in my room hoping they think I'm alseep so I won't have to go out there and explain the receipts. --Although I did leave a note explaining everything so that when I'm gone tomorrow and Monday they'll know. Here's to the morning.. 6 hours away.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Money and Jail

Well I guess good things only last so long. It's 12:11 and I'm getting yelled at already -- I accidently threw away the receipt from buying the vegetables and fruits. I know it was only 48 bucks but still I shouldn't have lost the stupid reciept and now I'm gonna get it. And the thing is that I should have had a SErious eye on that reciept because even last week Erica made a huge deal of how we have to do the money right away blah blah blah. Now she's going to be furious with me because ''we'd already discussed this''. I'm afraid to even leave my room! =( Only two more hours in here before they leave for whatever baseball game they're going to! [I know I'm avoiding the confrontation but I'm too scared to go out ok?]

On the other hand: I came across an interesting article this morning that I thought I'd share with you guys:

It's about a guy who gets himself out of an Egyptian jail by using Twitter!