Downhere - Surrender

What would YOU add in your guacamole?

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Why put off the inevitable

And by inevitable I mean this blog. I know I should be updating it but I can't really decide what I want to write. Several things have happened since my last joyful blog. I guess I'll just start at the very beginning...a very good place to start.
The apartment that I was so excited about. Apparently I need a co-signer for this apartment. The most obvious answer would be a parent right? WRONG-O. My parents don't like to get involved in me and my sister's ''financial issues''. I even went so far as to ask my mom, knowing what she was going to say. And even though I knew what she was going to say, it was still a blow when I actually heard it.
The reason it's so frustrating is because she KNOWS that my sister and I are way over our heads in terms of the apartment that we live in right now. And so by me moving out and my sister moving out we are on our way to finding our footing again. However, if I am not able to move out [which is what will happen if I don't get this apartment] we will continue to dig ourselves deeper and deeper, which will only make the problem that much worse. I know that I should just stop asking my parents for help and hoping for the best because it never happens but I am just so confused that my mom wouldn't help me when she knows it's going to be a step in the right direction.
I was so reLIEVED when I found this apartment. I thought thank GOD, I'm finally going to be back in control of my life! But it's like everything is working against me and having this happen for me. For us, my sister too! I have asked two people I know to perhaps sign with me and they're both thinking about it. I'm trying to not hope too hard because I think my heart might break. Can you blame them if they say no? Of course not. I am desperate in my hope though (grr right?) because without it I am hopeLESS and giving up hope that my life will improve. I'm so freaking sick of working two to three jobs just to be able to pay rent, I'm ready to be able to buy my own frickin groceries instead of just mooching off my friends food, pay my bills, and still have money to take the bus every once in awhile. I wish that I could be like everyone else who has life so easy that their parents will step up a little at least and help them, not to mention those whose parents do it all.
I hate that I'm jealous. I hate it, I hate that I can't control the fact that I want what everyone else has. Mostly I am just jealous of the priveleges that others are able to have because they have support in their lives. Studies abroad? yeah right, I wish! Living for free with their parents? Not ever going to happen. Mom and dad's credit card? HAHAHAH. It makes me want to cry because I should be grateful for anything that I have and yet I can't help but just want more! And this is creating a block in my walk with God.
Over a year ago at this time I was so happy with anything. I could barely pay my bills, but I was surviving and I was happy with that. I didn't need extra money for shopping or trips to here or there. And I didn't care because God was providing me with what I need. I just keep listening to this song by downhere called Surrender and the lyrics used to affect me so strongly and they still do however I find that Icannot believe them as blindly as I did before.

"I'm in a constant freefall when I'm following you. Can't see the next steps footing but I know that you do. And life is all just a bunch of work nothing more than a climbing fall till I surrender. Surrender all these things to you, all my life to you, to you. I was a meteor burning with a need for your rescue. And it's the safest kind of falling, now that I'm falling into you. And it's true, I still don't have control cuz you've got it all along. So I surrender. All these things to you, all my life to you, all my dreams to you. I keep falling in surrender. "

These words used to bring tears of joy to me knowing that I was surrender all that I didn't need, I was trusting God with the dreams that I have for the future, that He was going to take care of it for me and now... now it brings tears of failure. Failure that I can't surrender to the God that I know can take care of me and my faults, all my flaws. And I miss that. I want to feel the God that I used to know. And (because I don't actually read the Bible) I found this:

Psalm 40:1-3, "I waited patiently for the Lord; And he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and the mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."

I'm waiting for this. Waiting. However, the hope is slowly fading, and I don't want it to. I know that I need the hope to survive this battle.

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